Courage

If you had all the courage in the world, what would you change about the way you live?

A question similar to that was posed to me recently, which really got me thinking. In what ways would I live differently? I guess to accurately answer that question I need to determine in what facets of my life I lack courage and, more importantly, in what ways fear affects my actions.

In general, I feel like I am fairly blunt and bold in my words and actions. When I am reserved and timid, it is often with purpose and intention. There are instances and situations in which I am restrained by fear, but for the most part I live boldly and feign courage when I lack it. So, how does fear affect the way I live?

I think the greatest area I lack courage in is telling myself the truth. This, I believe, is true of all humans, to an extent. Living in the comfortable world of our fantasies- believing and basing our actions on what we want to be true, rather than what is true- is so much easier than accepting reality. Reality is terrifying, so we hide from it by surrounding ourselves with walls of illusion. Rather than facing the harsh truths of reality, it is so much easier to be ignorant, to deny or conveniently look away from the evil in the world, the negative consequences and impurity of our decisions, the rampant existence of brokenness and desperation, and our inability to attain perfection or even live up to our own standards. We become convicted in the face of reality and we must change, alter our perspectives and our actions, often involving a complete paradigm shift. Such a change is rarely welcomed and never easy.

I assume, then, if I had all the courage in the world, I would quit living inside the walls of illusion I have created. I would come to terms with the fact that there are some things in life I can't change, no matter how much I want to or try. This is something I've been working on the past year- telling myself the truth. I am learning that I, in my human nature, fail. I can't always live up to my own standards. I am going to make mistakes; others will make mistakes. I will disappoint myself and others at times, and vice versa. Life won't always go as planned, and there is really nothing I can do about it. I can try my darnedest and encourage others to do the same, but, beyond that, life is in God's hands. Admitting life's imperfections rather than clinging to a grandiose facade allows me realize that only One I can and should trust with my life, my hopes, my desires, my satisfaction, my uncertainties, the measure of my value, etc. is God. All my hope should be placed in Him. He should be my one and only desire. I should seek approval, satisfaction, and value from Christ alone, for He is the only One who will never fall short. He is in control, not I; my life should be lived in submission to His will, for He knows better than I.


"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." ~ Ambrose Redmoon


Fears will change, but the state of fear will never dissipate. Regardless, if courage is a choice, then we can choose to have immense courage. I can continually choose to live in Truth, realizing that living in the light as we are called to do, is far more important that any fears I may have of doing so.

Reflection on the Semester Past and Anticipation for the Future

I can't believe junior year is coming to an end. It feels like just weeks ago I was scrambling to pack up and move out of my dorm following sophomore year. Where has the time gone?

This semester has definitely been hard on me; it has been physically exhausting (the busyness of 18 units can really wear a person down), emotionally stressful, intellectually tiring, and spiritually challenging. The months have been characterized by uncertainties and questions, trials and the call to surrender. It seems as though every time life seems to finally be going so well everything comes crashing down. Why does life always have to be such a roller-coaster? 

Among the challenges of the semester, I lost someone I thought was a good friend. I don't even know exactly what happened- everything seemed to be fine, then all of a sudden it wasn't. I really wish I knew what went wrong, what I did or said to cause such a disconnect. I wonder if we were ever really friends in the first place. The whole situation has been really painful and difficult for me. I tried so hard to mend the friendship, but nothing worked. It seems like they don't even care, like they're happier without me around, which hurts a whole lot. It's difficult not to question what's wrong with me that this person dislikes me so much. Even though I've put on a front and acted like this doesn't bother me, it has been quite a struggle to let this go and come to terms with the fact that we may never talk again, and that I may never fully know what went wrong. 

This is occurring at the same time everything else in my life seems to be crashing down. I feel as though the floor has dropped out from under me, all the walls have collapsed, and I am suspended in mid-air with nothing left to cling to. 

Questions and uncertainties have plagued me this semester. I didn't figure out until the night before housing registration where I am living next year, and it has even changed since then. I still have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm living this summer, and there is less than a week until summer starts and I get booted out of the dorms. With graduation quickly approaching (December 2010), I've been considering where I want to go to grad school and what, exactly, I want to study. It is all so exciting, yet nerve-racking at the same time. I really have no idea where God is leading me, and this uncertainty is slightly irritating. I wish I had a clearer sense of direction. I trust that God will reveal His will in due time, but I feel like He's cutting it a little too close with the summer plans- c'mon God, this getting a bit ridiculous! I'm trying to figure it all out, but nothing seems to be falling into place. I had great hopes and plans for the summer, but they have all come apart. 

Academically, this semester- actually this entire year- has been my busiest, by far. This is my first time taking 18 units, and it is a heck-of-a-lot of work!! I am not going to finish all of the work by the end of the semester, so I am taking an incomplete in one of my classes, which I plan to finish this summer. I am, however, optimistic that next semester will be less stressful, as I will be taking only 13 units, 3 of which I am completing the work for this summer. :-) Plus, I have a room all to myself next semester (unless they add a filler, in which case I'd cry!), which will be a refreshing change, though I will miss having my roomie around!

It is so hard to believe how fast the time has gone by in college. I both love and hate how fast it has/is gone/going by. Life, itself, seems to fly by, these days. It's strange that some of my friends are getting married and others have children by now. I can't imagine myself being a mother at this age; give me a good 7 more years, at least! lol. 

I desire this summer to be a time of great productivity and growth (though I fear saying that, for who knows what challenges will come my way as a result). I have a lot to accomplish: finishing 2 incomplete classes, field practicum, grad school applications, take the GRE, and hopefully earn some money, as well. Aside from my many tasks, I want to grow in maturity and wisdom, to completely surrender myself and my will to God, and to wholeheartedly seek my joy and satisfaction in Him alone. I hope for this summer to be restful and relaxing, but I have a feeling there will be some definite challenges and struggles interspersed throughout. I pray for the strength, self-discipline, and diligence to make it through, and for peace, love, and joy abounding in and through me every day.