This semester has definitely been hard on me; it has been physically exhausting (the busyness of 18 units can really wear a person down), emotionally stressful, intellectually tiring, and spiritually challenging. The months have been characterized by uncertainties and questions, trials and the call to surrender. It seems as though every time life seems to finally be going so well everything comes crashing down. Why does life always have to be such a roller-coaster?
Among the challenges of the semester, I lost someone I thought was a good friend. I don't even know exactly what happened- everything seemed to be fine, then all of a sudden it wasn't. I really wish I knew what went wrong, what I did or said to cause such a disconnect. I wonder if we were ever really friends in the first place. The whole situation has been really painful and difficult for me. I tried so hard to mend the friendship, but nothing worked. It seems like they don't even care, like they're happier without me around, which hurts a whole lot. It's difficult not to question what's wrong with me that this person dislikes me so much. Even though I've put on a front and acted like this doesn't bother me, it has been quite a struggle to let this go and come to terms with the fact that we may never talk again, and that I may never fully know what went wrong.
This is occurring at the same time everything else in my life seems to be crashing down. I feel as though the floor has dropped out from under me, all the walls have collapsed, and I am suspended in mid-air with nothing left to cling to.
Questions and uncertainties have plagued me this semester. I didn't figure out until the night before housing registration where I am living next year, and it has even changed since then. I still have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm living this summer, and there is less than a week until summer starts and I get booted out of the dorms. With graduation quickly approaching (December 2010), I've been considering where I want to go to grad school and what, exactly, I want to study. It is all so exciting, yet nerve-racking at the same time. I really have no idea where God is leading me, and this uncertainty is slightly irritating. I wish I had a clearer sense of direction. I trust that God will reveal His will in due time, but I feel like He's cutting it a little too close with the summer plans- c'mon God, this getting a bit ridiculous! I'm trying to figure it all out, but nothing seems to be falling into place. I had great hopes and plans for the summer, but they have all come apart.
Academically, this semester- actually this entire year- has been my busiest, by far. This is my first time taking 18 units, and it is a heck-of-a-lot of work!! I am not going to finish all of the work by the end of the semester, so I am taking an incomplete in one of my classes, which I plan to finish this summer. I am, however, optimistic that next semester will be less stressful, as I will be taking only 13 units, 3 of which I am completing the work for this summer. :-) Plus, I have a room all to myself next semester (unless they add a filler, in which case I'd cry!), which will be a refreshing change, though I will miss having my roomie around!
It is so hard to believe how fast the time has gone by in college. I both love and hate how fast it has/is gone/going by. Life, itself, seems to fly by, these days. It's strange that some of my friends are getting married and others have children by now. I can't imagine myself being a mother at this age; give me a good 7 more years, at least! lol.
I desire this summer to be a time of great productivity and growth (though I fear saying that, for who knows what challenges will come my way as a result). I have a lot to accomplish: finishing 2 incomplete classes, field practicum, grad school applications, take the GRE, and hopefully earn some money, as well. Aside from my many tasks, I want to grow in maturity and wisdom, to completely surrender myself and my will to God, and to wholeheartedly seek my joy and satisfaction in Him alone. I hope for this summer to be restful and relaxing, but I have a feeling there will be some definite challenges and struggles interspersed throughout. I pray for the strength, self-discipline, and diligence to make it through, and for peace, love, and joy abounding in and through me every day.
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