Courage

If you had all the courage in the world, what would you change about the way you live?

A question similar to that was posed to me recently, which really got me thinking. In what ways would I live differently? I guess to accurately answer that question I need to determine in what facets of my life I lack courage and, more importantly, in what ways fear affects my actions.

In general, I feel like I am fairly blunt and bold in my words and actions. When I am reserved and timid, it is often with purpose and intention. There are instances and situations in which I am restrained by fear, but for the most part I live boldly and feign courage when I lack it. So, how does fear affect the way I live?

I think the greatest area I lack courage in is telling myself the truth. This, I believe, is true of all humans, to an extent. Living in the comfortable world of our fantasies- believing and basing our actions on what we want to be true, rather than what is true- is so much easier than accepting reality. Reality is terrifying, so we hide from it by surrounding ourselves with walls of illusion. Rather than facing the harsh truths of reality, it is so much easier to be ignorant, to deny or conveniently look away from the evil in the world, the negative consequences and impurity of our decisions, the rampant existence of brokenness and desperation, and our inability to attain perfection or even live up to our own standards. We become convicted in the face of reality and we must change, alter our perspectives and our actions, often involving a complete paradigm shift. Such a change is rarely welcomed and never easy.

I assume, then, if I had all the courage in the world, I would quit living inside the walls of illusion I have created. I would come to terms with the fact that there are some things in life I can't change, no matter how much I want to or try. This is something I've been working on the past year- telling myself the truth. I am learning that I, in my human nature, fail. I can't always live up to my own standards. I am going to make mistakes; others will make mistakes. I will disappoint myself and others at times, and vice versa. Life won't always go as planned, and there is really nothing I can do about it. I can try my darnedest and encourage others to do the same, but, beyond that, life is in God's hands. Admitting life's imperfections rather than clinging to a grandiose facade allows me realize that only One I can and should trust with my life, my hopes, my desires, my satisfaction, my uncertainties, the measure of my value, etc. is God. All my hope should be placed in Him. He should be my one and only desire. I should seek approval, satisfaction, and value from Christ alone, for He is the only One who will never fall short. He is in control, not I; my life should be lived in submission to His will, for He knows better than I.


"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." ~ Ambrose Redmoon


Fears will change, but the state of fear will never dissipate. Regardless, if courage is a choice, then we can choose to have immense courage. I can continually choose to live in Truth, realizing that living in the light as we are called to do, is far more important that any fears I may have of doing so.

Reflection on the Semester Past and Anticipation for the Future

I can't believe junior year is coming to an end. It feels like just weeks ago I was scrambling to pack up and move out of my dorm following sophomore year. Where has the time gone?

This semester has definitely been hard on me; it has been physically exhausting (the busyness of 18 units can really wear a person down), emotionally stressful, intellectually tiring, and spiritually challenging. The months have been characterized by uncertainties and questions, trials and the call to surrender. It seems as though every time life seems to finally be going so well everything comes crashing down. Why does life always have to be such a roller-coaster? 

Among the challenges of the semester, I lost someone I thought was a good friend. I don't even know exactly what happened- everything seemed to be fine, then all of a sudden it wasn't. I really wish I knew what went wrong, what I did or said to cause such a disconnect. I wonder if we were ever really friends in the first place. The whole situation has been really painful and difficult for me. I tried so hard to mend the friendship, but nothing worked. It seems like they don't even care, like they're happier without me around, which hurts a whole lot. It's difficult not to question what's wrong with me that this person dislikes me so much. Even though I've put on a front and acted like this doesn't bother me, it has been quite a struggle to let this go and come to terms with the fact that we may never talk again, and that I may never fully know what went wrong. 

This is occurring at the same time everything else in my life seems to be crashing down. I feel as though the floor has dropped out from under me, all the walls have collapsed, and I am suspended in mid-air with nothing left to cling to. 

Questions and uncertainties have plagued me this semester. I didn't figure out until the night before housing registration where I am living next year, and it has even changed since then. I still have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm living this summer, and there is less than a week until summer starts and I get booted out of the dorms. With graduation quickly approaching (December 2010), I've been considering where I want to go to grad school and what, exactly, I want to study. It is all so exciting, yet nerve-racking at the same time. I really have no idea where God is leading me, and this uncertainty is slightly irritating. I wish I had a clearer sense of direction. I trust that God will reveal His will in due time, but I feel like He's cutting it a little too close with the summer plans- c'mon God, this getting a bit ridiculous! I'm trying to figure it all out, but nothing seems to be falling into place. I had great hopes and plans for the summer, but they have all come apart. 

Academically, this semester- actually this entire year- has been my busiest, by far. This is my first time taking 18 units, and it is a heck-of-a-lot of work!! I am not going to finish all of the work by the end of the semester, so I am taking an incomplete in one of my classes, which I plan to finish this summer. I am, however, optimistic that next semester will be less stressful, as I will be taking only 13 units, 3 of which I am completing the work for this summer. :-) Plus, I have a room all to myself next semester (unless they add a filler, in which case I'd cry!), which will be a refreshing change, though I will miss having my roomie around!

It is so hard to believe how fast the time has gone by in college. I both love and hate how fast it has/is gone/going by. Life, itself, seems to fly by, these days. It's strange that some of my friends are getting married and others have children by now. I can't imagine myself being a mother at this age; give me a good 7 more years, at least! lol. 

I desire this summer to be a time of great productivity and growth (though I fear saying that, for who knows what challenges will come my way as a result). I have a lot to accomplish: finishing 2 incomplete classes, field practicum, grad school applications, take the GRE, and hopefully earn some money, as well. Aside from my many tasks, I want to grow in maturity and wisdom, to completely surrender myself and my will to God, and to wholeheartedly seek my joy and satisfaction in Him alone. I hope for this summer to be restful and relaxing, but I have a feeling there will be some definite challenges and struggles interspersed throughout. I pray for the strength, self-discipline, and diligence to make it through, and for peace, love, and joy abounding in and through me every day. 

Just Breathe

About a year ago, I was diagnosed with asthma. I think I've had it all my life to an extent, but last year it got to the point where I needed an inhaler. I couldn't believe how much better I could breathe! I didn't even know breathing so well was possible (or maybe I'd just forgotten since I was sick for 3 months); it was a whole new reality. 

At the beginning of this semester I began having trouble breathing again, but this time it was much worse. It got so bad one night I went to urgent care and they said my blood-oxygen level was perfect, but gave me some steroids and sent me on my way. Later that week I went to an ENT. He explained a lot about the respiratory system and I no longer felt crazy for thinking I couldn't breathe. He also prescribed a higher dosage inhaler. Once the inhaler began to kick in, I felt great and breathing was back to normal. 

Earlier this week my inhaler ran out and I didn't have any time to pick up a new one. Once again, my lungs felt tight, my throat felt closed up, and I was gasping for air. 

Before I started having major problems with asthma, I had never realized what a blessing it was just to breathe. Struggling for just one breath, it dawned on me how often I take the little things in life, such as breathing, for granted. Every hour we take thousands of breaths, but how often do we give thanks to the One who gave us the breath of life? Another thing I take for granted is being able to talk. I lost my voice about 3 or 4 times just this semester, which has made me come to realize just how much I talk and how little I listen. Is what I say important or do I just babble on? I don't want to talk just to fill time. I want each word that I say to be meaningful, to bring hope, love, support. I want all that I say and do, every breath that I take, to bring glory to God's name. He gave me the ability to breathe, speak, walk, read, think, cry, smile, laugh, feel, hear, taste, smell, see, love, and so much more. I don't want to take such things for granted any longer. 

When the Bible refers to breathing, especially in Genesis, it usually talks about someone breathing his/her last breath. Breathing in the Bible is all about life; breath gives life. God gave me life to love others for His glory and to praise Him all my days. I desire to worship the Lord with the life He has given me until I breathe my very last breath.

"the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being." Genesis 2:7

"In His hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind." Job 12:10

"Praise the Lord.

Praise God in His sanctuary;

praise Him in His mighty heavens. 

Praise Him for His acts of power

praise Him for His surpassing greatness. 

Praise Him with the sounding of the trumpet,

praise Him with the harp and lyre, 

praise Him with tambourine and dancing, 

praise Him with the string and flute,

praise Him with the clash of cymbals, 

praise Him with the resounding cymbals.

Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. 

Praise the Lord." 

Psalm 150

17 Random Facts about Me (12 of which you prob didn't know)

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 17 random things, facts, habits, or goals about yourself. At the end choose 17 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's b/c I want to know more about you. 

1. I'm 100% full-fledged liberal feminist, NOT radical! All that means is I believe in absolute equality for both sexes. I absolutely adore chivalry, and think it needs to be recultivated. 

2. I thoroughly enjoy everything from wedding photos to romance stories to love songs, but most PDA drives me CRAZY! 

3. I consider my dogs two of my best friends in the whole world. They love me unconditionally, are always excited to see me, and wouldn't think twice about risking their own life to save mine- now that's true love! Interesting side-note: I was deathly afraid of dogs as a child. It wasn't until I got my two black lab puppies that I fully got over my fear. 

4. I think it's cute when guys show affection for one another. It displays they're secure in their masculinity and not paranoid about being labeled "gay." Same for guys who wear pink or purple.

5. I'm a bit of a grammar/ spelling nazi. It drives me crazy when evry other wurd is speld wrong. (See what I mean?) In fact it doesn't even make sense, b/c little red squiggle lines on computers indicate incorrect spelling- how can one sentence have so many spelling errors?! The WORST is when people combine the words "a" and "lot." "Alot" is NOT a word. "Allot" is a word, but that means to give a portion of something to someone. Ok, I'll step off my soap-box now. 

6. My biggest pet peeve is being purposely ignored. It drives me absolutely out-of-my-mind nuts!! It brings out a monster in me. Seriously. It's scary!!  

7. Ever since my early childhood, it has been a dream of mine to be the first female to walk on the moon. That dream is still very much alive in me. 

8. I'm an adrenaline junkie/ thrill seeker. I'm all about what will give me the biggest adrenaline rush- roller coasters, high-ropes courses, repelling, jumping into water from ridiculous heights, tree climbing, etc. This adrenaline addiction is what fuels the speed demon in me. When it comes to driving, biking, skiing, horseback riding, skating, go-cart racing, pretty much anything, the faster the better!! 

9. I love sugar!!! Sugar cubes are the best candy b/c it's all the sweet without the artificial junk. During confirmation classes in 7th grade I would take all the sugar packets for the coffee and pour them into my mouth, one-by-one, until the hour was over or there were no packets left. Splenda and sweet-n-low are REPULSIVE, though!! One time during the aforementioned confirmation classes I ran out of sugar packets, so I decided to try sweet-n-low. I NEVER did that again!!! 

10. I find being cold to be one of the most miserable states of being. It's painful! I'd much rather be too hot than too cold. I usually bring a jacket wherever I go, even on blazing hot summer days.

11. Birds FREAK ME OUT. 'Nuff said. 

12. My best friends from kindergarten have remained some of my closest friends. Over 14 years, now!

13. I love love love (good) surprises- big and small! They're so much fun!! 

14. I tend to see only the good in people (until they get on my bad side). I think the best of someone, and can be naive when it comes to seeing the bad in people. This is one of my gifts, but also serves as one of my downfalls at times. 

15. I absolutely canNOT stand to hear anyone trash talked. It doesn't matter whether the person is my best friend or worst enemy, or if I even know them at all. 

16. I was (and still am) a wild child. I was a little prankster, always trying to come up with the most exciting pranks. One time my friends and I toilet-papered the wrong house. We rode by the next day and saw an old couple cleaning it up. I felt soooo bad!! 

17. I am an extremely persistent person when I set my mind to something, and I pity the fool who gets in my way!

My Graffiti Art

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Faith in God's will and timing

So I realized something today: by trying to take matters into my own hands, I am defying the authority of God and demonstrating a lack of faith in His good and perfect will. It's one thing to confess with my mouth that I believe God has a wonderful plan for my life that will be enacted in His perfect timing, which is something I do profess when such a statement is appropriate to the conversational topic. It is quite another thing to back up such statements through the way I live my life. From examining my actions which consist of attempts to alter or tailor situations to fit my own agenda, I must question whether or not I truly believe that God knows best. I undoubtedly agree with the statement that actions speak louder than words, as is confirmed in the book of Hebrew by the author's statement that faith without actions is dead. If I agree with that statement then, by examining my past actions, my intellect tells me that I do not truly believe that God is and will continue to guide me on the most appropriate path for my life.

Don't get me wrong. I take the Bible at it's word when it declares that God is omnipotent. I don't question God's capability to do whatever He sees fit, despite impossible circumstances. Even the demons know the power of the Almighty. Also, I certainly believe that God is omniscient, knowing my past, present, future, and everything about who I am and who I was created to be. (After all, He created me.) So if I believe that God is omnipotent and omniscient, why then do my actions display otherwise? I think it is due to my trouble trusting that the plan and timing of God is the best. "Does God really know what He's doing? Aren't things taking a little long? Maybe God is too busy with something else. It wouldn't hurt if I helped move things along a bit, would it?" Those are the thoughts that start running through my mind, both consciously and subconsciously. That's when I know I'm on the path of defiance and destruction. What these thoughts really boil down to is a question of God's character and judgment- Does God really know and want what's best for me? Is His plan going to screw me over? What if I don't like God's plan? Is God ever going to actually follow through? I'm ashamed to admit such doubtful thoughts. The words of Jesus, "Oh ye of little faith," continually haunt me, because I know they apply to me. My faith is far smaller than a mustard seed.

Patience has always been one of my biggest struggles, if not the number one. I'm all about instant gratification: I want what I want, when I want it. I think as humans, we all innately have some of those selfish desires b/c we are a fallen race. It's whether or not we exercise self-control over those cravings that defines our strength and reveals one's true character. I have so much trouble not jumping in, trying to do things my own way at my own pace, as if I know better than God. Even if I do trust God's character and judgment, it takes a conscious, daily effort of examining my priorities and motives: "Am I do something to further my own agenda or God's?" I'm so quick to give others advice to be patient and trust God's plan, yet it is so difficult for me to apply that wisdom to my own life.

I think a person's faith that God will do what is best, not just that He can, is what really sets a true Christ follower apart from the rest of the world. If we truly believe that God will do what is best, we will have the desire and motivation to place our selfish priorities behind us and make the effort to follow God in everything, despite a grim outlook or costs to us. God's agenda will become our agenda; we will desire what He desires and therefore work to accomplish it. Pleasing God will be our joy and satisfaction. Truly, "the joy of the Lord [will be] my strength." He will empower His children to continue following Him on the path that leads to the ultimate fulfillment- a sincere, intimate relationship with Christ.

I want to get to the point where I have so much faith in God's plan that I'm willing to do or give anything for His kingdom. I long to be at a place in my life where consistently checking my motives is no longer necessary because seeking His will is so ingrained in my habits that it becomes second nature to me. I long for His desires to become my desires, and His joy to be my joy. I want to be so overcome with a passion to further His will that anything else seems ridiculous. I desire the authentic faith that Jesus instructed His disciples to have: the faith that gave sight to the blind man, mobility to the crippled, healing to the sick, and raised a ruler's daughter from the dead.

The House on the Edge of the City

The House on the Edge of the City

It's all inside, shut up & closed down

"Quarantined"- no signs are posted

but everyone knows

the understood phenomena

lasting well beyond the plague

no one even thinks to question

"Legend has it..."

3 words passed on

keep the place all alone

it has been years

still the door remains shut

windows boarded

door bolted

thick ivy engulfs

and wild roses entangle

the house

on the edge of the city

Numerous people pass by each day

Many walk through the yard

Some dare to step on the porch

yet none have the courage to walk inside

Who will break in

kick down the door

shatter the glass

where is he who is unafraid

to risk a few bruises and scrapes

Under the dust and cobwebs

the furniture lies untouched

elegant, well kept, and comfortable

A few flaws and some quirky artwork

add style and excitement

A long, winding hallway

past rooms

some gloomy, some splendid

At the end awaits a door

to a garden of beauty

Flowers bloom and the sparrows sing

Springs flow past the gravel path

Rest in the shaded hammock

Warm breezes caress

Who will happen upon

the garden of serenity

Be there enough courage to enter

the home

on the edge of the city